I have too much to do and I keep complaining about it. Lately I've been thinking, "maybe if i write about it, it'll get better." So here goes. Instead of doing what should be done, I'll do what must be done.
Often I feel like my computation speed is quicker than my comprehension speed. I have a tendency to arrive at a conclusion, be assured of it's accuracy, but not be altogether certain why. I am uncertain of the origin of my certainty. I think this indicates that I have a great deal of confidence in my abilities. It also indicates that I don't feel the need to have my thought process examined by a third party to assess it's reliability (myself being the first party, my thoughts the second). These two things are unnerving and I am forced to examine my tendencies.
It's an interesting exercise to contemplate one's method of contemplation. It requires a level of objectivity which even I cannot boast of being comfortable operating in. When I objectify my objectivity, I can more clearly see its faults. Namely, that I am totally confident in myself. I perceive myself as an island. If I follow this train of thought to its end, I am left with the recognition that I am in need. Amazing how God uses the areas in which I feel most confident to reveal to me my areas of deepest need.
I am not made of the stuff that allows me to be exactly the way I know I could be. I feel the weight of sin in my character. I see the tearing, destroying result it has had on my life. I see it and I hate it. There is one conclusion I have often come to in my life when considering the damaging effect sin has had on my character and on my tendencies. My thought process leads me to the conclusion that, "it is simply something to be borne. I am who I am." For a long time I accepted this, given my aforementioned mountainous confidence I have in my abilities. In accepting this, I identified with the parts of myself that sin had marred, the parts I hated. In identifying with these parts of myself, the hatred of these things evolved into a hatred of myself.
This is wrong. It is wrong of me to hate myself. But I confess, I have done it. But by the infinite mercy and grace of our exquisitely benevolent and demonstratively divine Father and Savior, there is deliverance! When I take that step back, to see the flaw in my reasoning, when I take an objective look at my objective tendencies, when I arrive at the place where I see my need, I am there liberated!! It is not in me to be exactly the way I think I could be, so there is no hope in myself. I must look elsewhere. I must find hope in something greater than myself. Bless God that He wastes not one thing, not even our despair. How rewarding a fruit God produces from even our most fallow ground. To sow despair and reap liberation: who else could even originate such a thought than our blessedly divine God? When I allow this liberation to have its completed work in me, the result is God on the throne and Christ my confidence.
When these things are in order, the changing of my character and the sanctification of my life are a natural byproduct. I do not have what it takes to be all that I hope to be, but God has a treasure store of the fruits of the Spirit that He is eager to pour out upon me and upon those who ask for it.
"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" - Matthew 7:11
How could I ever know to ask Him for what I don't know I need?